I Do!

Beverly Downing takes a look at the evolution of marriage customs.

Dowries
The custom of dowries began in Europe after 500 B.C. The esteem in which the bride was held was directly related to the amount of her “portion” and marital decisions were often made at a child’s birth, or a very early age. The lower classes, with less money and fewer landholdings, had more freedom of choice when selecting a mate.

After negotiations were completed and the espousal contract was signed, betrothal rings, called gimmels (or gemmals or geminals), were exchanged. Composed of two or more rings, each individual circlet was complete in itself and worn separately on the right hands of the engaged couple and their witnesses. Often containing a verse, or poem stanzas (such as “Love is fixed, I will not range”; “I like my choice, I will not change”), the circlets were joined as one on the fourth finger of the bride’s left hand at the wedding ceremony. The left hand represented submission; the fourth finger was thought to contain the vein leading to the heart.

White, which was considered the royal color of mourning, was not the most popular choice for a wedding dress. Mary, Queen of Scots displayed her true feelings in 1558 when she married into the French royal family wearing a dress “white as lilies”. Wine, russet and blue were among the favored alternatives.

With words used since the 12th century, the marriage ceremony began with, “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here....” As a symbolic sign of the transfer of authority over the bride, the bride’s shoe was taken from her foot by her father and given to the groom. The bridegroom tapped the bride on the head with the shoe in recognition of the transfer. After the ceremony the bridescup, filled with ale and a sprig of rosemary, was passed among the guests. The feasting and celebrating lasted as long as money would allow!

The Role of Ritual
Rituals were observed to help the union be happy and fruitful. In Scotland, the groom’s mother ensured friendly family relations by crumbling oat cakes over the heads of the bride and groom. Love knots on the bride’s dress were untied to ease the pain of future childbirth. To ensure a fertile and prosperous union, the bridal couple would kiss over the cakes, or sweet buns, brought by the guests. During the reign of Charles II in the late 1600s, French chefs began adding icing to hold the individual tortes together — the forerunner of the bridal cake as we know it today.

Like the Anglicans, the Puritans brought their customs to the New World. Perceiving the Anglican wedding customs as excessive, they had turned their backs on the belief that marriage was an unbreakable and mystical union blessed by God. To them, marriage was a civil contract and, if the rules were broken, dissolvable by humans.

Puritans believed that true love was the foundation of a good marriage. They allowed their children the “supervised freedom” to discover if those feelings existed. One of those “freedoms” was the custom of “bundling”. This practice, already existing in Holland, Wales and England, was based on lessening the inconvenience of the long distances traveled during courtship and encouraged prospective suitors to stay overnight. The couple was put to bed with a “bundling board” between them — the female’s legs wrapped in a “bundling stocking”. In some areas a girl’s social status was deeply affected if she didn’t have a “night visitor”, or if she was above the age of 18 and still at home. Called an old maid at 25, she was considered a “thornback” at 30!

When a Puritan finalized his choice of a mate, the “walking out” became official. This event was publicly acknowledged when the bride-to-be chose the text of the minister’s next sermon — an occasion equal to an Anglican bride choosing her wedding dress.

Sarah and Hans
“Banns” (public announcements) were posted for three lecture days before the wedding could proceed. The reading of the banns made known the intentions of a couple and helped to ensure that there were no legal impediments to the proposed marriage. In New Amsterdam in 1639, on three consecutive days, the banns were read for Sarah Rapaije and Hans Bergen. In Dutch tradition, guests at the wedding of the 14-year-old girl, said to be the first white Christian female born in New Amsterdam, were given silver wedding medallions commemorating the event.

When Sarah’s family agreed to the proposed wedding, a blood signing of the marriage contract was the first official step. Before the signing ceremony, the father-in-law of the bride-to-be publicly acknowledged the betrothal by presenting her with a gift called a chatelaine. Made of silver, leather, or filigree, it was worn like a belt around the waist and various articles hung from the silver chains — a pair of scissors, a knife in a leather sheath, a needle case, a silver bound pincushion and a scent-ball.

In the medieval periods, bearing witness to a marriage involved greater responsibility than it does today.

Sarah and Hans then chose their attendants (or “playmates”). The bridesmaids helped to plan the festivities and decorated special baskets for the bride and groom with garlands of greenery and flowers. In the groom’s basket was a pipe, so highly prized that it was kept in a special place until the silver wedding anniversary. In the bride’s basket was a set of lace collar and cuffs, the bride’s handmade gift to the groom.

The day after the wedding, the bride received a “morning gift” from her husband, usually jewelry, furs or something for the house. This item became the exclusive property of the wife. The new couple was given “morning gifts” by both sets of parents who made sure that the “after-fun” was kept up for at least three weeks following the wedding!

The Quakers
In sharp contrast were the Quakers. They felt that true love was based on common belief, condemning the practice of marrying outside of their religion. They forbid first and second cousin marriages. They frowned on marriages made for material reasons and they believed that the union should be acceptable to the immediate families as well as the entire Quaker congregation. The 1672 marriage certificate of William Penn and Gulielma Springett was signed by 46 witnesses.

When a Quaker man and woman wanted to marry, the first step was to consult their parents. If the parents approved, the couple’s intentions were announced at the women’s meeting and a note regarding their proposal was sent to the men’s meeting. After a consultation with both sets of parents, the men’s group imposed a waiting period. Then, if their approval was given (“passing the meeting”), the wedding could proceed. Before moving into a home of their own, the newly married couple spent two weeks living with the bride’s father and receiving guests.

In the 19th century, most Southerners continued to follow the English marriage manual, remaining faithful to the Anglican ideals of courtship and marriage. Parents played a critical role in the marriage decisions of their children. Like previous generations, they firmly believed that love was not a prerequisite for marriage — love would follow after marriage. First cousin marriages were not uncommon and complex prenuptial agreements were the norm. After the ceremony, there was a huge feast and tokens of appreciation were given to the guests. Blooming jasmine and camellias, plus the cool weather, made April a favorite wedding month.

Frontier Marriages
On the frontier, there was scant opportunity for wooing and wedding. A courtship of a few weeks was considered enough time to warrant a proposal of marriage. Much of the courting took place within the confines of the one-room cabin. If parents accepted their daughter’s beau, their early exit was the stamp of approval. If they disapproved of the young man’s intentions, or if the daughter didn’t welcome him, the parents would “sit him out” until the wee hours.

When Davy Crockett met his future wife, 17-year-old Rebecca Bryan, he “was plaguy well pleased with her from the word go. She had a good countenance, and was very pretty, and [he] was full bent on making up an acquaintance with her.” Her mother wasn’t quite as agreeable. After a few weeks of serious courting, Crockett wanted to ask for Rebecca’s hand in marriage. Quoth Crockett: “When I got there, the old lady appeared to be mighty wrathy; and when I broached the subject (of marriage), she looked at me as savage as a meat axe.... I told the girl that I would come the next Thursday and bring a horse, bridle and saddle for her and that she must be ready to go.” Leaving his intended and her skeptical mother, Crockett hoped “someone else didn’t get her before Thursday.” The happy ending was celebrated in 1756 and produced 10 children!

To avoid peak farming months in the rural north, weddings were usually held in March, April, November or December and certain customs prevailed. The “run for the bottle” was a race made by two members of the groom’s party when the group was within a mile of the bride’s house — the winner sharing the “trophy” with the group. “The ceremony of the marriage proceeded the dinner which was a substantial backwoods feast.... a few pewter spoons were to be seen at some tables; the rest were made of horn. If knives were scarce, the deficiency was made up by scalping knives, which were carried in sheaths suspended to the belt of the hunting shirt.” After the feast, the tables were cleared and the dancing began. The “infare”, held the following day at the groom’s house included another “race for the bottle”, another feast and more dancing!

Modern weddings continue many of the ancient customs and rituals that have evolved over the centuries.

After moving into his new home, one frontier groom recalled his “shivaree”. “What that din resembled (you) may imagine when we run over the instruments of that extra-transcendental quavery, quivery, shivering and roaring uproar; two corn baskets full of cowbells tied to saplings; a score and a half of frying pans beat with mush sticks; two and thirty Dutch ovens and skillet lids clashed as symbols; fifty-three horse shoes played as triangles; ten large washtubs and baby trumpet and seven small barrels drummed with fists; forty-three tin whistles — add in imitations of scalp and war cries, inhuman yells and screams of the most eminent vocalists. The serenaders good naturedly retired after a dram of some alcoholic liquor.” (The New Purchase)

Victorian Times
Victorian times saw improved standards of living, but static social behavior. The right marriage was one of the few ways women could gain status in society, but courtship rules were rigid and ignoring them was unforgivable. If a gentleman wanted to meet a lady, etiquette required that he be presented to her by a mutual friend. Even if acquainted, to be in her company alone at night, or without the knowledge of her mother, was a serious breach of protocol. However, flirtation was plentiful.

If permission “to call” was granted, the visit was well-chaperoned and the couple said “goodnight” at the parlor door. Three months between the announcement of the engagement and the actual wedding was considered suitable. A locket containing a snippet of her beloved’s hair was considered an appropriate gift for an engaged woman. Remembering her courtship and 1905 marriage, Eleanor Roosevelt wrote, “You never allowed a man to give you a present except flowers or candy, or possibly a book. To receive a piece of jewelry from a man to whom you were not engaged was a sign of being a fast woman and the idea that you would permit any man to kiss you before you were engaged to him never even crossed my mind.” “Gypsy” rings, broad bands encircled with stones, were popular engagement rings during Victorian times. With diamonds signifying innocence, sapphires, immortal life, and so on, Victorian romanticists used the stones to spell out endearments, “DEAREST” (diamond, emerald, amethyst...) “LOVE ME” (lapis lazuli, opal...) being the most common.

A few generations ago, with marriage as one of the few choices available to women, an unmarried female was an economic disaster to her family. “Spinsterhood” meant caring for elderly parents, or living on charity through her extended family. Today, most women have many choices as well as social and economic independence, but marriage, in the traditional sense, remains the same. It still symbolizes “the coming together of not only two people, but two families, and sometimes two communities — a bonding of the family of mankind. It is the symbol of continuity — a landmark that signifies the past as well as the future.” (The Bride)

This article originally appeared in the May/June 1999 issue of Family Chronicle.